The Hustle of Sistah Ant

I’ve been notified that there’s a reasonable chance that I won’t be needed at my job after next week.  Barring that, the longest I could hope to continue with this position is until sometime in October.  I’ve known this for months. 

I need an eye exam, and possibly a new prescription, but I’ve been procrastinating because I don’t have vision insurance.  I’ll probably just have to pay out of pocket.

My wisdom teeth have been bothering me.  I can’t tell you the last time I went to the dentist.  It’s been years since I’ve had dental insurance.  I guess I’ll get some Orajel, ‘cause I’m still not planning to go to a dentist.

I have a doctor’s appointment for early next month, for which I might have to pay out of pocket.

The good thing is that I have seen a few job opportunities that I’ll be applying to this weekend, which would provide me with health insurance and continuity on my resume.  The downside is that they are in the public interest, which basically means I could probably earn as much or more if I were working retail, like I used to do when I was still in school.  My debt reduction and asset gathering goals would take a hard hit if I took such low-paying work.  I would love to do that kind of work… I just don’t know if I can afford it.  But I need work.  I hate being unemployed.  And I don’t want another contract position on my resume. 

My new part time job is sending out unsolicited resumes and cover letters.  It’s crunch time.  I can’t wait for jobs to be advertised before seeking them.  I have to create one for myself.  I need health insurance.  I need a real income.  And I need to do what I can to keep from having to raid the My Own Home savings and Emergency Fund, which symbolize sacrifices made for a goal that has been really, really important to me for years - that money is OFF. LIMITS. and will remain so for as long as I’m able to keep it that way.

I wish that right now I could be a beacon of light to all those looking to be financially encouraged right now, but this is my reality.  I will say this: I am thankful for the work I have now, for my savings, for my good credit, for the fact that my old credit card debt is paid off, and for the vacation days I’ve accrued that will let me get 75% of my usual paycheck amount next week instead of the 40% I thought I would get.  I’m thankful that I whittled down my standard of living drastically for more savings, because if I hadn’t, looming unemployment would be scary, but instead it’s just annoying.  I’m also thankful for Mister Ant’s encouragement and the knowledge that we are financially here for each other.  It’s not like I’m losing a house, or my life savings, or anything.  I’ve always known this was a temporary job, and I really couldn’t have prepared for the end of my contract much better than I have. 

Mister Ant and I are getting married.  This house we are moving into will be our first marital home.  We will pick it out together with both of our desires in mind.

But when we sit down at the closing table, I will be the only one signing documents.  My name will be the only name on the mortgage.  My name will be the only name on the title.  This is because I have a good credit score, and he doesn’t.  I make enough by myself to qualify for a loan to afford the kind of house we want, so I am buying our house.  We agreed on this a long time ago when things started getting serious and we first started to talk about dreams, finances, and credit.  I already had my sights set on buying a house before we met, so it was my dream.  But as we got serious about a future together, and we began to fold our lives into each other’s, my dream became our dream.

Now for the obvious questions:

Why not wait until you get married?

Whether we will be married when we get the house is still up in the air, but that’s what we both want.  Weddings and receptions can be expensive.  We want to elope, but we don’t want to be selfish towards our families.  If we can figure out a way to elope for an affordable ceremony that includes our closest family members, we might be married by the time we get into the house.  We can worry about a reception later.  Even if we do get married beforehand, though, we will not include his credit history and income in the analysis, because we’ll come out better if we just use my numbers.

Why not wait until his credit score gets better?

Because it takes years to rehab a credit score and we don’t have that kind of time.  Did I tell you about the leaky ceiling?  The rotten neighbors?  The lazy landlord?  Our desire to build equity in a property and have a house paid off by retirement?

Are you the only one putting up money towards the house?  What will Mister Ant contribute?

I have saved the bulk of the down payment, closing costs, and expenses.  This is because I make more money and can save it quicker.  He is saving for my engagement ring, moving costs, and additional money for emergencies.  He will also share in household maintenance, utilities, and the mortgage once we are in the house.

Doesn’t it bother you that you make more and that his credit isn’t as good as yours?

Not really, but I did have some long internal conversations about whether it mattered, especially to him, when we were starting to get serious.  I was never one of those that had a list of possessions or a net worth requirement for a man.  I’ve always wanted someone I could be happy with.  And I’ve always felt that I have the luxury of coupling for love because I followed my mom’s advice and learned how to take care of myself financially.  If anyone should be bothered that I make more money, it’s him, and he is okay with it - not resentful, not domineering in other ways, not trying hard to prove he’s not a kept man, nothing like that.  We share things in a fair way - we talked out an arrangement for handling our bills and expenses that makes us both feel comfortable.  Many of the stereotypes I hear about what happens in relationships in which women make more are stupid, in my opinion.  But then again, Mister Ant is an exceptional person.  Anyway, he has gotten two raises, one of which came with a promotion, since meeting me.  He has cleaned up his old debts, just like I was cleaning up mine when I started this blog.  And if we decide to get a second home, by then his credit will be as good as mine is now.  It just so happens that I picked a profession that is more lucrative than his, so my financial progress so far has been faster than his.  He is a frugal saver who doesn’t spend more than he earns and he, and we, will be just fine.

How can you call it "our" house when you’re the one on the title and the mortgage?

‘Cause it is our house.  We are working as a team to get it.  We will live in it together.  And, see my very first paragraph above.  We will make it clear on the title, as we get past closing, that Mister Ant has an ownership interest in the house.

What if y’all break up?

We will be signing a legal agreement - a house-nup, if you will - that protects each of us from getting shafted by the other if we break up.  I had a cousin who bought a house with his fiancee.  They never married, and then a flagrant mess ensued because they had no plan B.  Mister Ant and I will use the services of a disinterested/impartial lawyer (not me or any of my friends) to make sure that we have a Plan B in place.  But of course, none of that matters, because we aren’t breaking up.  We are very happy together.

That’s about it.  Comment away!

I apologize - my last post was eaten by Murphy’s technology monster.

It was basically about how I sent my financial information to a mortgage consultant who came highly recommended and who I’d been talking to for some time.  She reviewed two years’ W2s, a month’s worth of paystubs, and two months of bank statements.  I also gave her copies of my credit score reports, one of which essentially included a full credit report.  I redacted (took out/covered up) sensitive personal information like my social security number (per my wishes, she did not run my credit, so that my scores will not get dinged by an inquiry) and my account numbers, and sent it off to her.  Within a day, she sent me a Good Faith Estimate of what the numbers would look like if I bought a house in my target range.

I was pleased with the estimates I saw, and I’ll be discussing this with her later.  I hope to gain some understanding of how different choices I make can affect the numbers.

Other good news is that I met a little birdie who works for my desired employer, who has informed me that they really can use some extra hands to make the work lighter.  She’s going to put in a good word for me, for what it’s worth.  We’ll play that one by ear.

Since my post was deleted, S23’s comment was also deleted, which wished me luck with my desired employer, and asked if I sent Mister Ant’s information off to the mortgage lady.  First, thanks S23!  And secondly, no, I didn’t send his information.  I’ll tell the whole story later, but the short explanation is that I am buying this house as if Mister Ant does not exist.  That should lead to a fun, juicy comments section!

Mister Ant and I have finally had The Talk about money - no more approximations, no more discretion over certain aspects of our financial lives.  We know how much the other makes now.  I know his net worth.  He knows mine.  I know how much debt he’s in.  He knows how much debt I’m in.  We were both relieved to see each other’s numbers.  We talked about the house, and who’s going to be responsible for what, so far as expenses.  We have been a "we" for a while, but now, to me, it really feels like financially, we are a We.

My cousin’s daughter has been saying she wants to be a fashion designer for a while now.  Since it’s her 13th birthday, and she is starting to act distracted at school, I figured that now is as good a time as any to give this kid a reason to focus on something, behave better, and see if this dream she has is what it’s cracked up to be.  I’m getting her a moderately priced sewing machine with my next paycheck.  She better make me a dress, too.

When I went off to college, my dad told me enough about credit to give me a healthy amount of respect for the trouble I could get myself into.  Maybe I didn’t rein in my credit spending enough, but I didn’t get myself into debt so far that all hope was lost.  I was able to maintain the debt I incurred without delinquencies or charge-offs until I could afford to pay it all off.  I was a really independent teenager and young adult.  I didn’t get my parents very involved with my finances - I got my credit cards, started my credit history, and got my first checking account all by myself.  But maybe if I’d consulted them more I’d have made better decisions.

I was on the phone with one of my many aunts this weekend, and she mentioned that her daughter, a college junior, had applied for a credit card to get a free pizza.  Now I and a few of her other family members warned her about this years ago before she left for college, but she did it anyway.  In a sense, I’m glad she did, because it really is an easy way to start your credit history.  However, you have to have the right understanding and attitude about where to go from there.  In my cousin’s case, the card was sent to her parents’ house and her mom intercepted it.  Dear Cousin hasn’t ever had possession of her card, and her mom figures it should stay that way for at least another year so that Dear Cousin doesn’t start her life off in lots of debt. 

I think Dear Auntie’s on to something here.  Maybe her involvement in Dear Cousin’s credit was by chance, but hey, Dear Cousin isn’t in lots of debt, partially due to her mom’s intervention.  Problem is, how is Dear Cousin going to learn to responsibly handle her debt if she isn’t given the chance to do so?  I suggested that Dear Auntie let Dear Cousin use the card for things that they already have money for - something predictable like textbooks that Dear Cousin will need once every few months, or maybe her cell phone bill, which Dear Auntie has been paying monthly (in addition to Dear Cousin’s car note).  That way, Dear Cousin can start building her own credit score, which she’ll need when she wants to start a business, own a home, rent an apartment, or get utilities, among other things.  Dear Cousin has a job, so it’s time she started to assume more responsibility for her expenses.  Otherwise, Dear Cousin might be ill-equipped to handle life after graduation.  Also, if she doesn’t build her own credit history, she’s going to need Dear Auntie and Uncle, who have their own obligations and retirement to think about, to co-sign for any grad school loans she might need.  At some point, if she’s going to thrive on her own, she’s going to need her financial umbilical cord cut.

Looking back on my own journey, maybe I should have been less prideful and used my parents as a resource more, but I don’t really regret it much.  By the time I finished college, I was a lean, mean machine.  I’d dealt with the expenses of keeping an apartment, I’d started a credit history, and I could budget my butt off.  I’m hoping that by graduation, Dear Cousin will have done all this, and that Dear Auntie will help her with advice to have an even better start than I had.  I’m going to gift her a Black Enterprise subscription when she gets settled in this semester.  It really helped me, and I bet it will help her, too.

I must have said "every little bit helps" about a billion times over the past year.  Are you listening?  Here’s a link to my net worth page.  Things are looking pretty good.  The fun part was seeing the numbers change over - you know, like when a big number starts with a 6, like my student loans did… and then the first digit changes over to a 5 - I know there’s really only a small difference between this month’s total and last month’s, but psychologically, knowing that my debt begins with a 5 instead of a 6 makes me feel like I’m making progress.  Not, "Awwww, that’s alright, baby, just keep on trying," progress, but, "Hot damn girl!  There is light at the end of the tunnel!" progress.  This month, three of my big totals had their first digit change over.  That feels soooo good.

Regarding the hole that was burning in my pocket yesterday, I’m better now.  Mister Ant and I had a talk and I floated on back to Earth.  I love that we were able to have that talk, and that he helped to keep me anchored to what means most to me without sounding preachy.  Over 2/3 of my check went to responsible stuff, like my IRA, giving, ShareBuilder, and the Emergency Fund.  But in that other third, whatever’s left after groceries and laundry is all mine to use for whatever makes me happy.  I’m going shoe and scent shopping - maybe Saturday evening. Yay!  Have a great weekend…

I was talking with my other best friend over the weekend, and she wanted to know how much we were putting down on the house.  Now I love this girl dearly, but she is not one of the folks who can keep private information private, and she tells her entire family and many of her friends whatever you tell her.  I know this because I know too much about her family and friends. LOL!  I’m not sure I want everyone who’s known me since my preteen years to talk and debate about how much our house cost or how we went about purchasing it.  It’s none of their business, and it’s bound to end in someone saying something stupid. 

In response to her question, I told her, "About 10% at the closing table."  It was my attempt to answer her question while subtly expressing that the matter is too private for me to give her those types of details.

She didn’t get the hint.  (Either that, or she didn’t heed the hint.)

She pressed further.  "Well how much are the houses you’re looking at.?  Here, I was faced with a choice.  I could either tell her what she wanted to know, or I could find a way to express to her that something in my life is none of her business for the first time ever in 16 years, which is something neither of us in our open-book relationship has ever done before.

I gave her a range of home prices.  

I was promptly rewarded for choosing the wrong option with this question, asked in entirely the wrong tone:  "What kind of house can you get for that amount?"

Thinking as quickly as I wish I had before I gave her the numbers, I decided to take the high road instead of giving her what for.  (I’d always wanted to use "giving what for" in context!  I am such a geek…)  I told her I could actually get a three bedroom home in a safe area of my city for that amount.  She let it go, but I didn’t.

There was the pep talk I had to give myself on not worrying about what other people, including all her friends and family will think, not if, but when this information makes the rounds.   There was the need to chastise myself for punking out and disclosing information that I wasn’t comfortable disclosing, even if it was my best friend.  There was also a lesson to be learned from all this: I need to beware talking about the house, despite my enthusiasm, until I resolve how I’m going to shut down questions about my actual numbers.  I forgive her for her nosiness and her last question - in the past, we’ve always been able to be that frank.  But I see that now as we forge farther into adulthood that the dynamic of our relationship may need to change.

As a matter of fact, I’ve got a new category all about this topic, "Money and Relationships."  People need to talk about the occasional taboos and faux pas and boundaries associated with how money affects us.  So why not me?

I have this aunt.  I love her to pieces.  She’s a nice lady - a giver.  If something means a lot to her or she sees someone who is in need, she will make a way to do what she can for the cause.  She’s got several brothers and sisters, and among them, she and her family have the biggest house in the nicest neighborhood and drive the newest cars.  She keeps her hair and nails professionally done.  Sometimes she hosts barbecues and has family over.  They are truly blessed.  She figures that among her own family and her in-laws, people are jealous of her possessions, and that is the reason why their relationships with family members aren’t better than they are.

I personally think that if that is true, she and her husband are partially to blame.

I like to visit my aunt - she’s like my favorite aunt.  But I don’t see her and her husband’s behavior through rose colored glasses.  They might not realize that they are doing it, but they say things that are off-putting.  They talk about things they do and how much they cost.  They talk about things they have and how much they cost.  They accept compliments on new things they acquire… and comment on how much they cost.   They complain about how much the things they bought cost them.  They talk about the cost of things that they are thinking of acquiring.  In fairness, sometimes they don’t talk about the costs… but they talk about the possessions or activities anyway, knowing that the mere mention of these things without numbers will still get their point across.  Other times, they lend family members money and then complain to other family members about how long it’s taking so-and-so to pay them their x-amount-of-dollars back.

I am not jealous of the things that they are able to do with their money - they work hard for it and have been working hard for years.  I’m happy when they get stuff they like.  But another reason why I’m not jealous of them is because I can get my own stuff my own way in my own time.  Yet another reason I’m not jealous of them, or other people who have nice things, is because sometimes, with the big-ticket items, people think about the stuff without thinking about the debt people got into to get that stuff.  Somebody can be jealous of my car if they want to be.  But I bet they’re not thinking about my car payment - if they were, maybe they wouldn’t be so jealous.  When I move into my house, someone can be jealous of my house if they want… but I bet they won’t be jealous of my mortgage.  I am actually more concerned with the financial security I can attain than with the amount of nice things I can get.  So until I’m debt free and I’ve got a great retirement savings, there are more important things for me to be concerned with than what someone else has.

All these things aside, I think that the standoffish behavior that my aunt experiences is due in part to rudeness.  I don’t think that it is necessarily rude to talk about the things you have, or even how much they cost if you’ve been asked.  However, if volunteering that information every time you spend money is how you relate to people, you can’t reasonably be surprised if they don’t want to hear it - especially if they have less stuff than you and you are constantly reminding them of it.  And if they get jealous, it may be due in part to how much people think you have based on what you tell them.  In that case, the problem isn’t your substance - it’s your style.

What sense would it make for me to talk numbers with friends?  Sure, people who know me know that I’m doing okay, but if I talk about money with others, we talk about the stuff we have in common like debt, savings issues, budgeting issues, motivation issues, work issues, and dreams for the future.  I’m not going to put my relationships in jeopardy by annoyingly bringing up how much I have all the time.  Despite the substance I am in the process of acquiring, I try to stay conscious of my style of handling it.  Maybe I’ve learned what not to do from my aunt.

Mama Ant and I were talking about something that someone I know is going to buy.  She balked when I told her that they were going to wait until they had enough money to pay for it outright, and I agreed with that plan.  She said it would take forever to get it that way - why would they wait?  They could just get a decent down payment together and then the payments wouldn’t even be that high.  Before you know it, it would be paid off.

Wow.  I felt like we were speaking two different languages.

Don’t get me wrong - I think that credit can be a very good and useful thing.  I’m using it to pay for my education, my car, and I’ll soon have a mortgage of my own.  But those are pretty much the only things I think I really need to pay for over time, and I’m using "need" very loosely.  In fact, I told my mom last night about my plan to finish paying for my current car ahead of schedule and to pay for my next car without financing.  I also told Mama Ant that I anticipate not relying on credit to furnish My Own Home, and she listened patiently and approvingly.  But I think, from the tone in her voice over the phone, that she thinks I’m just being ‘extra’.

I explained my reasoning.  There have been times when I’ve been unemployed, and one of my principal concerns was how to keep up with at least the minimum payments on my credit card balances.  I never want to have that question again.  Also, I never want to stay in a job situation I don’t like because it would be too difficult to sustain my debt load.  It just makes too much sense to me to avoid debt and avoid having monthly payments as much as possible.  I love the way it feels to know at the end of each month that there is absolutely no balance on any of my credit cards.  Mama Ant could relate to that, but she said that she’s cleaned her cards off only to (seemingly inevitably) load them back up again.    At this point in the conversation, I felt like I was trying to convert a lost soul.

My mom is not a crazy person.  She is not stupid.  She even has her reservations about debt, and she’s no slouch when it comes to fiscal responsibility.   Yet I fear that she is far too comfortable with the idea of "Buy now, pay later."  It is as if "Save now, buy later" is no longer acceptable to her.  Why delay your gratification?  I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that I spent the first ten years of my adult life under the shadow of credit-card debt balances.  I’m not blaming my debt on my parents… but perhaps I got into some of that debt because of an aversion to delayed gratification that could very possibly have been learned at home.  I don’t know.  But to see my mom go towards her golden years with this attitude and hardly any retirement savings is simultaneously sobering and frightening.