buyer beware
I was talking with my other best friend over the weekend, and she wanted to know how much we were putting down on the house. Now I love this girl dearly, but she is not one of the folks who can keep private information private, and she tells her entire family and many of her friends whatever you tell her. I know this because I know too much about her family and friends. LOL! I’m not sure I want everyone who’s known me since my preteen years to talk and debate about how much our house cost or how we went about purchasing it. It’s none of their business, and it’s bound to end in someone saying something stupid.
In response to her question, I told her, "About 10% at the closing table." It was my attempt to answer her question while subtly expressing that the matter is too private for me to give her those types of details.
She didn’t get the hint. (Either that, or she didn’t heed the hint.)
She pressed further. "Well how much are the houses you’re looking at.? Here, I was faced with a choice. I could either tell her what she wanted to know, or I could find a way to express to her that something in my life is none of her business for the first time ever in 16 years, which is something neither of us in our open-book relationship has ever done before.
I gave her a range of home prices.
I was promptly rewarded for choosing the wrong option with this question, asked in entirely the wrong tone: "What kind of house can you get for that amount?"
Thinking as quickly as I wish I had before I gave her the numbers, I decided to take the high road instead of giving her what for. (I’d always wanted to use "giving what for" in context! I am such a geek…) I told her I could actually get a three bedroom home in a safe area of my city for that amount. She let it go, but I didn’t.
There was the pep talk I had to give myself on not worrying about what other people, including all her friends and family will think, not if, but when this information makes the rounds. There was the need to chastise myself for punking out and disclosing information that I wasn’t comfortable disclosing, even if it was my best friend. There was also a lesson to be learned from all this: I need to beware talking about the house, despite my enthusiasm, until I resolve how I’m going to shut down questions about my actual numbers. I forgive her for her nosiness and her last question - in the past, we’ve always been able to be that frank. But I see that now as we forge farther into adulthood that the dynamic of our relationship may need to change.
As a matter of fact, I’ve got a new category all about this topic, "Money and Relationships." People need to talk about the occasional taboos and faux pas and boundaries associated with how money affects us. So why not me?
You are much nicer than me Sistah Ant! I would have shut that friend down by saying I didn’t feel comfortable disclosing a numerical amount. I love my friends to death, but I hate having my business in the “streets.” I am a pretty open book, I am a blogger afterall :- ) but I like to tell my own news first. Good luck with stacking up for that downpayment fund!
Comment by Small Budget, Big Style Chick — July 22, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
Hmmmm. I had to tell my friends plainly that my relationship is off limits for discussion. Somethings you just don’t need input on. You can do the same with your house purchase.
Comment by S23 — July 22, 2008 @ 5:52 pm
Be assured that whenever others tell you you’re doing the wrong thing with your money, you’re likely right on track. Everyone considers themselves a financial expert, but in truth they’re looking to validate their own bad habits.
Stick with your plan and don’t feel obligated to divulge the details. The only time I give specifics is when I’m teaching a young person the way to save.
Comment by Double Cross — July 23, 2008 @ 9:51 am
I really sympathize with your problem. One reason why I haven’t started looking at houses yet myself is because of my friends. They’ve already let me know everything about their house purchase– I know the amount they put down and the price. I know the amounts and downpayments they offered on the houses that they ended up not buying. I didn’t ask for this information and was uncomfortable being told about it, but they put it out there.
The thing is, they spend more than I do and earn less. I don’t want to highlight that we’re financially in different places… but the houses I really like and can afford generally cost more than what they can afford. I haven’t thought of a nice way to not answer if they ask about prices, nor have I come up a good way to keep them from figuring it out even if I don’t tell them.
Comment by caitlin — July 23, 2008 @ 11:41 am