The Hustle of Sistah Ant

I have this aunt.  I love her to pieces.  She’s a nice lady - a giver.  If something means a lot to her or she sees someone who is in need, she will make a way to do what she can for the cause.  She’s got several brothers and sisters, and among them, she and her family have the biggest house in the nicest neighborhood and drive the newest cars.  She keeps her hair and nails professionally done.  Sometimes she hosts barbecues and has family over.  They are truly blessed.  She figures that among her own family and her in-laws, people are jealous of her possessions, and that is the reason why their relationships with family members aren’t better than they are.

I personally think that if that is true, she and her husband are partially to blame.

I like to visit my aunt - she’s like my favorite aunt.  But I don’t see her and her husband’s behavior through rose colored glasses.  They might not realize that they are doing it, but they say things that are off-putting.  They talk about things they do and how much they cost.  They talk about things they have and how much they cost.  They accept compliments on new things they acquire… and comment on how much they cost.   They complain about how much the things they bought cost them.  They talk about the cost of things that they are thinking of acquiring.  In fairness, sometimes they don’t talk about the costs… but they talk about the possessions or activities anyway, knowing that the mere mention of these things without numbers will still get their point across.  Other times, they lend family members money and then complain to other family members about how long it’s taking so-and-so to pay them their x-amount-of-dollars back.

I am not jealous of the things that they are able to do with their money - they work hard for it and have been working hard for years.  I’m happy when they get stuff they like.  But another reason why I’m not jealous of them is because I can get my own stuff my own way in my own time.  Yet another reason I’m not jealous of them, or other people who have nice things, is because sometimes, with the big-ticket items, people think about the stuff without thinking about the debt people got into to get that stuff.  Somebody can be jealous of my car if they want to be.  But I bet they’re not thinking about my car payment - if they were, maybe they wouldn’t be so jealous.  When I move into my house, someone can be jealous of my house if they want… but I bet they won’t be jealous of my mortgage.  I am actually more concerned with the financial security I can attain than with the amount of nice things I can get.  So until I’m debt free and I’ve got a great retirement savings, there are more important things for me to be concerned with than what someone else has.

All these things aside, I think that the standoffish behavior that my aunt experiences is due in part to rudeness.  I don’t think that it is necessarily rude to talk about the things you have, or even how much they cost if you’ve been asked.  However, if volunteering that information every time you spend money is how you relate to people, you can’t reasonably be surprised if they don’t want to hear it - especially if they have less stuff than you and you are constantly reminding them of it.  And if they get jealous, it may be due in part to how much people think you have based on what you tell them.  In that case, the problem isn’t your substance - it’s your style.

What sense would it make for me to talk numbers with friends?  Sure, people who know me know that I’m doing okay, but if I talk about money with others, we talk about the stuff we have in common like debt, savings issues, budgeting issues, motivation issues, work issues, and dreams for the future.  I’m not going to put my relationships in jeopardy by annoyingly bringing up how much I have all the time.  Despite the substance I am in the process of acquiring, I try to stay conscious of my style of handling it.  Maybe I’ve learned what not to do from my aunt.