angst
I am not even sure if angst is the right word… but I’m "feeling some type of way" about my spending. I want to buy my parents (really my Mom) the video game system I have, ‘cause she played with the one Mister Ant and I have and she loves it. Plus, Mothers’ Day is coming up and I’m thinking that should be the weekend we travel to go see my folks. But it’s sooooo expensive. By the time you get finished buying the console and joystick (oops, I’m showing my age) controller, plus another controller (so my Dad can play too) and maybe one more game… sheesh - that’s hundreds of dollars. I’m supposed to be saving for a house.
And did I mention yet that I’m going on a trip? A couple girlfriends and I are planning to hop on a plane and split a room in New Orleans on Fourth of July weekend for a concert series - it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but never did because I was being frugal and couldn’t afford to pay for it outright. That will run me hundreds of dollars. And um… I’m supPOSED to be saving for a house.
When Single Ma was saving for her house, she didn’t even fool with Christmas presents. Here I am wanting to give my mama the world, and fly off into the sunset like I’m making money. I am making money, but it’s not Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous money. I’m still in a contracting (read: temp) position.
Part of me is saying, "Girl, spend it. Spend it! You NEVER do anything like this, and you can’t pretend you don’t resent that everybody else gets to travel but you. Thirty is coming, marriage is coming, babies are coming and you need to have some fun while you still can, and be generous while you can still afford it. Do it, get it out of your system, have yourself a good time, and then come back to Philly and be a good girl for the rest of the year."
Of course the other part of me is saying, "Girl, DON’T. Just don’t, because you KNOW better. You’ve waited all this time, another year ain’t gonna kill you. You want this house more than anything else and you’ve sacrificed so much to get it. It’s going to take that much longer before you will be able to afford the house if you don’t give a less expensive gift. And even though you’ve already committed to the trip, it’s still early enough to back out."
I think both of me are right. I’m guessing my solution lies somewhere in between. I’ll likely go on the trip - I just want it and I’m not backing out, period, end of discussion. But I’ll set an allowance for my expenses - I’m good with allowances. My mommy can wait on the video game system - she hasn’t even asked me for it so she won’t be disappointed to not get it. I can figure out something else to get for her and she’ll be none the wiser. Plus, I have no idea how to match that caliber of gift for my dad for Father’s Day even if I could.
That said, any money that I spend on gifts, or trips, or shoes - anything discretionary - is money that could otherwise have gone to the My Own Home account. And I’d hate to have buyer’s remorse after everything I spend my money on and think, "that money could have gone towards the house."
There’s no conflict like internal conflict.
